yesterday was really... ... woke up late.. at like 6.35am and I had to be in school by 7am. so I made my dad and brother rushed. reached there... had duty from 7- 8 plus... stand there and watch the runners... oh well... nothing much luh. just never encountered the weird things people do when running. yeah. then rushed back to hadley stall and all.. the PA system there... so was there till about 10.30am. then had to go to sim lim tower with lisa, fuxin and Mr Ho. went to by motors and all...then later had spon training at CLC from like 2- 6plus.. rushed to expo. on the way down the stairs, twisted my ankle and nearly fell -_- sheesh. irritating luh. but I reached expo at 7.10pm. met jj... supposed to go in to hall 10 but somehow I started crying so we sat out there till 7.50pm.... then heard Jackie Pullinger talk and all... it was cool. yeah.

What do you want of me? Why can't you all be more understanding with each other? Why can't you all not be so selfish? I have so many questions to ask all of you... but what's the point? like you're ever gonna get my point. why can't this..why can't that... why can't I change myself to adapt? I can't. I seriously don't know how much this first half year has changed me...for the better or for the worse. I've juggled multiple tasks for 5months already [exams; PTs; OM; ORA; CCA; RBD; activities] has anyone any idea at all how I've been living my past 5 months? I'm tired already. I don't know how to continue. I've tired hard enough, but things don't turn out that way. somehow I keep crying, maybe that's just a way to let out everything.. but ultimately, I still am faced with the situation. I cried for 40mins yesterday, if it isn't enough, I cried again in hall 10. like... I want to stop, but I can't. what is wrong with the world? I really don't want to compromise on my QT and on church. I did alot of compromising on QT.. and it really wrong. but what to do? I really don't know how. now, I even may have to compromise on going to church. if you all had better management... if you all understood each other, if you all even bothered to listen, if you all would stop interrupting at the wrong time...this can go on forever... but it's all "IF"s... then what's the use if it'll never happen at all? I really don't like this.. I really don't want to carry on...with you people. I've compromised all my free time, my studies, my QT...etc. what else do you want me to compromise on? now, to even see other people coping okay or well is a torture. it's really a horrid feeling... are you all people with brains? you can do very well in your studies and all... but you'll ultimately fail if you don't know how to relate with humans. all the backstabbing we do, it's really mean. I don't know what to say... but it's really mean to backstab someone. I've got alot more to type, but nevermind... it'll only bring the spirit of others down. so just shutup rachel.

but I thank God for my cell and for God, of which for not I really wouldn't survive. I seriously think that I'll go jump off a building or something if not for them and God. I survived 5months of that... I don't how long this will drag.. but I'll learn to pick myself up again and get on track. I've done that serveral times, and it takes alot out of me to even pick myself up once. this seems to be the hardest time but I will... cause I can't stand being so dejected, so disappointed, so depressed, so ....etc. it really sucks to be this way. making people worry is not my cup of tea. I don't want to be this way...rarr... doing everything takes alot out of me now, willpower, motivation, faith, trust..I can tell people to be strong, but I can't tell myself.. it doesn't work. maybe sometimes, but not all the time, mostly it doesn't. I'm starting to cry again.. so I should really stop posting.

rach
RGS
6H`05
103`06 203`07 306`08
45th batch`09
OSL'08
FCBC youthnet
08/04/1993




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